You know what I really need to do. I need to sit down and type. To write a story inside my head. The problem with that is I haven't written a story in YEARS. I say this because I took my basic, general education classes to fulfill a requirement in school. Yet I didn't do anything creatively. I had to analyze other books, which is fine and dandy because I think to be a better educated and intellectual person you should know how to analyze books, people, media. But I have never really sat down, thought about things and written for pleasure. 

I have ideas, but they kind of go fleetingly. And in my head if I were to actually write I know what I would want it to be about. But I feel that I am not very verbose in my writing, in using a wide range of adjectives to describe people, places or situations. 

I just feel that I crave reading stories that its frustrating that I am not better at my skills at storytelling. 

Random post, but whatever. It's just what's on my mind right now. 

But know that I found that quote, I kind of feel like my life and who I am should really focus on the second, in that I am trying to be a good person, and help others and make a small change to the world. All I seem to be doing is just thinking far too much recently. I want to do so much and I am terrified of how limiting life actually is. 

Sometimes I wish I could be one of those life advice, beauty gurus who post blogs and videos and are really connected with social media. But then I forget that I have a blog, and here I am five months later, filling in the gaps from my last post.

The fear from my last post is gone. I passed my exam, left on a spontaneous, whirl-wind trip to California and spent a week walking around the beach, reading and going to Disneyland. I came home and had to find a job, which I did.

The funny thing is I was so nervous about all the changes in my life, that I was so unsettled with making choices, yet I did it. I picked a job, changed locations because it wasn't right for me, and managed to buy a car. I've quit the long standing waitress job and every time I drive by the building I get this weird feeling- I'm so glad to be done with the place, but it is weird not to be rolling out of bed 20 minutes before my Sunday morning shift to serve senior coffees to people who knew me since I was 16. It's a true testament to the saying that life goes on, even if you're not a part of that life anymore.

But I am still awful at making decisions. Today's my birthday and I've been asked what am I doing today. I have no clue, and honestly I don't mind sitting at home doing nothing.

The thing I've learned as I've 'grown up' is that I've come to accept my introvereted-ness and who I am. I will never be one of those girls who enjoys putting on tight clothes, high heels, and partying the night away. It's not me. I used to be so insecure about in in high school and college, that by being a part of that lifestyle it would get me more friends.

Well I don't need more friends because the ones I have are great. I think this whole getting older thing isn't about maturing, and doing x, y and z to get you where you want to be. You really have to get to know your ever changing self and be okay with it. I may not be in the same spot as other 24 year olds, but I am getting there, slowly. It isn't a race, and lets be real if it was one I'd be shit at it, bc I hate to run and am not competitive.

Moving forward

It's funny how this quote is really been sitting with me for the past few days. It's a time of transition, everything about my life is changing very, very soon. I could pass my test, find a job, by a new car, and leave my high school waitressing job behind me.

I cannot deny its a little bit terrifying. I literally have no idea what I am doing with my life at this moment. I can do absolutely whatever I want as of next week because I hopefully will have passed my exam. The options are endless; I've worked so hard for this moment.

And yet, here I am terrified because I have to make a decision, I have to decide on an actual path. Granted its sure as hell not paved and isn't as pretty and it won't be the same path I'll travel forever. There will be curves, and forks. I will probably have to pave one for myself at some point. But what  I've realized in the past few weeks that I'm not afraid of change. I think successfully navigating through college and grad school has taught me to embrace change. That change is okay. I am more afraid of making a choice.

I have never really made a huge choice for myself. The grades I got in school were to please my parents and to eventually get into college. The jobs I've taken are because of family friends.  The car I have is because it was cheap and a quality car (at the time, it's falling apart now after years of wear and tear). The college I went to was chosen because my dad worked there and it meant a huge tuition benefit for me. Don't get my wrong, I loved my school and it gave me a fantastic education. But sometimes I wonder what might have happened if I ended up going to UCONN, because it was a good state school, moving out of state, or going to a city in Boston or New York?

Realizing this is scary, particularly because it's now all on me. Coupled with the fact that everything I am used it is changing. I can't spend my days laying around on tumblr and facebook. I'm going to need a new car ASAP because mine is pretty pathetic. But I cant just sit back and not do anything (this is because Sallie Mae will want payment and my meager waitressing job isn't going to cut it).

But I can do it. And it will be okay. I think the whole point of this is that I'm supposed to be confused and afraid. I've spent my whole life doing exactly what I was supposed to in regards to my education, and now that that is over I can grow.

When I was finishing my last year of school I realized how scared I was, but in the last year I've become a little bit excited. I know it is not going to be easy and that  I will struggle and make mistakes. But I can only get better and happier and that's how I am going to take this next adventure. It can only go up.

In which I have forgotten all about blogging

Sometimes I start things and forget they exist. I have a bad habit of being head on, full force interested in something, like blogging, pinterest, and iphone apps only to loose interest in a couple months and kind of forget them because something comes up.

The thing about writing in blogs is that I never find I have much to say. Wanna hear about my boring life? Nah, thats not cool. But in finding this blog and and older one that I had when I was 13 is pretty freaking hilarious.

But here we are, four years after my last post and what am I doing? Freaking out about the future. I should be studying, I have my notes spread across the table, tea in hand and yet here I am writing. I want to start this up again, I want to document important parts of my life. I want to see how good of a writer I can actually be, since everything creative I had a slight interest in six years ago has been put on the back burner due to school.

So I don't expect much from this little blog, but it's a start. So I best get back to studying for this test and then go from there.